One Day As A Lion

That I can think of, I've had two real epiphany moments in my adult life.

The first one, was understanding that I will never understand death. I will never understand what it is to simply not exist anymore. I used to, and to some degree still do, have regular mental semi-breakdowns when I tried to think about death. It's not that I fear death, but that I simply cannot wrap my brain around the concept of not being alive. Knowing that I will never understand, and having in some form or fashion a fear of death, has allowed me to live. The biggest fears in my life are loneliness and mediocrity(or, a wasted life). Opening myself up to the idea of death and understanding what little bit I can has allowed me to figure out how to take life for granted. How to understand what a miracle it is to be alive. I will do things that make me happy and allow to feel accomplished in my life, that is all I owe anybody and all I owe myself.

The second epiphany was understanding my personal nature of judgment. I've spent the better part of my life worrying about what people thought about me. I have no doubts that a lot of things in my life are the way they are because I altered them to please people. But why? Why was I so deathly afraid of what people, any and all people, thought about my life? There were two parts to it. One, I had to understand that I had a flawed view on life. Instead of worrying so much about what people thought about me, I should be instead saying "fuck you" for judging me. How dare you think less of me because I decided to take time off school. How dare you think less of me for dressing the way I do. How dare you think less of me being a "nice guy". That's who I am, dammit. But, even after that, I still had a hard time. I still worried about what people were thinking all the time. Why did I keep worrying so much about other people and their opinions?? It hit me one day while driving and in the midst of a spiritual revolution. It's because I judge everybody too.It's so simple. It's textbook psych 101 projection. I think everybody is judging me because I'm judging them. Once I figured that out, I was able to curtail my evil ways. I started to accept people for everything that was warm and wonderful about them, and in return, I started to feel better about myself.

The point of sharing these two things is, they were two things that were completely conducive to me leading a more fulfilling life. I've spent so much time worring about everybody liking me, that sometimes they weren't even getting an actual representation of me to like. Just be yourself. I know that everybody says that, but it bears repeating. Just be yourself. If somebody doesn't like you, then fuck them, you don't need them in your life. You can't worry about people like that, instead you need to go find the people that DO like you, and focus on them. Build relationships with THOSE people, and surround yourself with positive people and positive atmosphere.

I have a lot of very special people in my life. At least one of which I know for sure reads this blog on a regular basis. I'd like to say to that person, and anyone else reading this that thinks they may belong in this category, Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being in my life. You are extremely special to me. You are wonderful. You make me the person I am. I have not done enough to show you how much you mean to me, and for this I am deeply sorry. Just know that you mean the world to me. I love you.

"though dull were all we taste as bright,
bitter all utterly things sweet,
maggoty minus and dumb death
all we inherit,all bequeath

and nothing quite so least as truth
--i say though hate were why men breathe--
because my Father lived his soul
love is the whole and more than all"
-E.E. Cummings